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Showing posts with the tag "philosophy"

A life without Asperger's syndrome..?

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#aspergers-syndrome#philosophy
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I have 2 older brothers and when I was maybe 3-5 years old, I was different compared to them. I was wilder than them and also switched the order of the words so when I should say "can I have ice cream", I said "I can have ice cream". Despite that, I grew up with a very caring and very loving family and I had many friends.

When I was 10 years old, I got diagnosed with DAMP. Back then, DAMP and ADHD was 2 different disorders, but both of them was so similar, DAMP are today ADHD. I still have the papers from that time, scanned of course. Both of my brothers does not have any disorder in their childhood nor any today. Not even a syndrome, and they have very good lives with their own kids and very stable full-time jobs.

8 years ago, the Swedish employment service (Arbetsförmedlingen) wanted to help me as good as they possibly could, so they asked me if I wanted to do a new diagnostic to see if I still have ADHD today or not. Since one of my ex-girlfriends (who have Asperger's syndrome) have said that she didn't see me as a person with ADHD, but as a person with Asperger's syndrome, I said "yes, please" to their offer. And in the summer of 2013, I got diagnosed with a mild Asperger's syndrome and with a fully-fledged variant of attention deficit disorder (which I literally hate).

But I have been thinking lately about how my life would be if I didn't have Asperger's syndrome or DAMP/ADHD as a child, teenager, and young adult for that matter, and if I didn't have that (sorry for my language) fucking attention deficit disorder.

  • Would I have a girlfriend today?
  • Would I have a full-time job today?
  • Would I be able to go out and be social with my neighbors with no issues at all?
  • Would I be able to have better mentally strength?
  • Would I have normal amount/length of thoughts instead of thoughts 24/7?

How your childhood life have been, how you are as a person, and such things have some impacts no matter what, of course, but still. How would I be without my handicaps (as I safely can call them)? I can sometimes cry inside for not being able to do stuff I really, really want to do. I am trying to do my best in everything I want to do, but most of the time I end up quit trying for some reason I can't explain - I simply lack of motivation.

And the thing with my attention deficit disorder. I have my desktop in a corner near my living room window which are located to the left. If I see something outside the window while looking on the screen, I have to look to see what it is. And if I don't, I can't let it go until I'm really trying hard to focus on what I am doing on the screen. The same for when I hear something. If I am trying to read something and I hear someone talking, I can't hear myself reading the text. I can only hear them talking.

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